When your Wife Wants Physical Affection Even When you are Not Having Sex.


Even though men face it again and again in their relationships, they are still surprised and dismayed when their partners want physical affection from them much more than sex. Here are a few ways to understand your wife’s desires better and to love her even when you are not having actual sex.

It is about different perceptions.

Men and women on the whole think differently on sex. While for you, it is the most satisfying way to connect with your partner on the physical as well as emotional level, it is not the same for your wife. Women need to feel loved and wanted in a non-sexual manner first before their minds and bodies are ready for sex. It is because of this that a romantic good-morning kiss, holding hands while out walking or a gentle stroking of her hair may mean more to your wife than a one-off attempt at full-blown love-making. The difference in perceptions essentially means that neither side is “wrong” to feel the way they do but that they feel differently from the other and need to understand and respect that. So when your wife wants such displays of physical affection, it is not because she wants to avoid sex or does not want to connect with you physically – it is simply because she needs her heart to be ready before her body is to be able to receive you with joy and passion.

Don’t dismiss non-sexual ways of showing love.

Men often make the mistake of thinking that sex starts in the bedroom while in fact, small gestures like giving your partner a romantic cuddle or lacing her fingers with yours can be intimate as well. While the bedroom is undoubtedly the most comfortable place of having sex, if you wait until you get there to begin making love, it might be too late for your partner to come up with feelings of sexual desire. Rather keeping loving your wife in non-sexual ways even when you are not having sex – this will not only better prepare your wife to respond to you with passion but eventually you may find the slow build-up to a sexual encounter much more satisfying.

Bring back the element of fun.

Remember how carefree and joyous those moments of togetherness were when you were first dating each other. Over time you may have let your sexual life fall into a rut or start seeing love-making as yet another item to be scheduled in the to-do list of a married couple. Bring back a sense of playfulness when you are alone with your wife. If she is wearing a new dress, sneak up from behind and surprise her with a “new pinch”. Or surreptitiously tickle her toes when she is relaxing with a book. Some light-hearted teasing or playing rough and tumble with pillows can go a long way in breaking the sexual monotony with your wife. Having fun together will not only lead to ample opportunities of showing physical affection for your wife but even refresh your sex life when you do decide to go that way.

Get rid of the ‘All-or-nothing’ mindset.

One of the major reasons why a guy avoids showing love in non-sexual ways is because he believes that such gestures will not get him “anywhere’, in other words will not lead to a sexual intercourse. He avoids doing anything, like kissing his partner or nuzzling her shoulders, that might arouse him since he knows that he will neither have the time nor the opportunity to go all the way. When his wife wants him to kiss her or rub her back, he is probably telling himself, “I don’t really have the time to go the whole hog so why even hold her and start any of this”. But the fact is that moments of love do not always have to end with sex to be meaningful or even truly romantic. Try to explore small ways of showing affection for your wife and you will see that it is possible to feel love and desire outside the sexual context.

Consider displays of affection part of the foreplay.

Imagine making love as trying to build a fire. You start by lighting the kindling and then stroke the embers until they are hot and glowing. Then at the right moment you place each new long on the flames until the fire is blazing. The same is true of human passion as well, especially that of a woman. When you show physical affection to your wife, every caress and every embrace acts like the kindling of fire within her body. As you keep up the momentum, the fire of love continues to get brighter until she is burning with passion and longing for you. Just like it is not possible for a fire to be blazing immediately upon striking a match, similarly a woman’s passion needs to be built up over time to get it burning intensely. This is perhaps the reason why you don’t get too far with your wife on a Saturday night when in fact you haven’t touched her over the entire week. So, keep an open mind and try to experience acts of physical affection for your wife as part of the entire love-making process and when you do get close to her sexually, both you and your wife will experience new levels of pleasure and passion.

For women, making love means much more than the actual act of sex. It is about taking pleasure in small but real moments of love like sharing a cuddle on a rainy evening or holding hands as you watch the sun set on the sea. Once you are able to view the physical intimacy between partners as an essential part of love-making rather than just a precursor to sexual intercourse, it will be much easier for you to understand and even enjoy acts of physical affection with your wife.