“Am very shy and cannot talk with girls,” writes an anonymous reader to an expert advice column in a magazine. He is not alone. Shyness is common to most people and all have experienced it at some time or other. During childhood or teenage or adulthood, one may have experienced the mortification of being tongue-tied and awkward before others. But it may be a serious condition for some, as they may find shyness a problem for normal socializing, communicating and activity.
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What is shyness? It is a state of mind. It causes problems in relationships among people. It makes it difficult to interact with people, make friends with them or maintain relationships with them. A shy person is constantly evaluating himself: am I looking alright, am I speaking properly, will others like me, will others refuse me etc. This constant preoccupation with himself results in his not enjoying or getting involved properly with the current activity. Naturally, women tend to ignore or forget about him. Shyness impedes communication and results in loneliness and anxiety.
Shyness manifests in physical symptoms like stuttering, blushing, shivering, sweating and avoiding eye contact. Some may go to the other extreme by loud and boisterous behaviour trying to cover up their awkwardness. Either way, their behaviour does not endear them to others and they end up lonely and ostracized. The cause of shyness is lack of self-esteem and confidence. This results in lack of social graces needed for mixing with people.
Boys who are shy of girls are usually those who have grown up in all-boys families or studied in all-boys’ schools. Those who are crippled by this condition need to build up valuable attitudes and practice appropriate behaviour. The following principles can help in getting rid of shyness with girls...
Build up confidence
One must build up self-confidence - belief that one is worthy and has positive qualities. One must not feel inferior physically or mentally. One must realize that physical appearance is not the only criterion by which women are attracted to men. Positive qualities like optimism, good sense of humour, intelligence, kindness and warmth are qualities that override the worst kind of bad looks. So try to feel confident about your worth by concentrating on your positive qualities and improving on your negatives.
It is important that even if you are not feeling that confident, you approach a person looking confident and the rest of the interaction will flow easily. The best fact about shyness is that it is invisible. No one knows you are shy except yourself initially. You can walk into a room without people realizing that you are the bashful type. This makes it easy for you to cover it up and look confident. Don’t act shy. Start confidently and then you will be caught in its flow.
Wear clothes that make you feel confident
Do not "dress shy". Shy people tend to dress drably in clothes that make them insignificant. Look confident in clothes that make you look good. Discard your dull wardrobe and develop your sartorial sense by being bold and adventurous, to feel confident in the presence of the girl you like.
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Make a move
You must gather courage to approach the girl you like. You can make a simple move like offering a magazine to read and strike up an ordinary conversation. You need not be as witty as Steve Martin or as intelligent as Einstein to impress the girl. What will impress usually are ordinary wit, a confident and easygoing manner and decent behaviour.
Do you have the habit of always making a move on the most attractive and popular girl in the group? Chances are that you will have to experience of many rebuffs, and these do horrible things to your already meager ego and confidence! Be realistic and approach girls suited to your level and personality. Approach women that don’t intimidate you.
Realize that you are not alone
You must realize that girls are equally or sometimes more shy than you are. This should relieve you of undue anxiety and put you at ease with them. Since you are shy, you can empathize with the girl and can behave in appropriate ways to put her at ease. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship when two of you discard your diffidence and grow comfortable with each other.
Do not fear rejection
Being rejected is the number one fear of the shy person. But how will you succeed until you try? Rejection is a part of life. The best way to interact is not to care about it at all. It is so easy to date if one does not care a bit about being rejected by some of the women. Force yourself to meet more women if you have been avoiding them.
Practice conversation skills
Learn how to strike up and maintain conversations. Read up books, newspapers, movie reviews etc. Develop your knowledge about your favourite things. Go to plays, sporting events and remember interesting things about them. Relate small stories, jokes and anecdotes.
Do some research
If you are really involved in impressing some girl, do some research. Ask her friends about her likes and dislikes. Maybe, try to impress her with the flowers/ chocolates routine. Or even try to read up some Women’s magazines to know what makes a woman’s heart tick!
The best part of shyness is that it need not be a permanent handicap and one can turn it into one’s advantage and get rid of it completely. Finally realise that some women are turned on when they find a man shy in their presence. It makes them feel safe with you because you're not one of the overly aggressive men, most of whom scare them away. Being a little shy potrays you as somewhat childlike andd innocent, very endearing traits. It also gives them a sense of power because they attribute your shyness to their own beauty or personality. So overcome shyness by all means but use it to your advantage while you're still shy!