When your Boyfriend Flirts with your Friends


Light-hearted, occasional flirting is fun and may be seen as simply as expression of an ebullient personality. But when it crosses the boundaries of acceptable social behavior, it has the potential to wreck a relationship. So if you find yourself getting distressed by your partner’s flirtatious nature and yet are reluctant to break up, here is what you can do about it.

Get wise at the start

At the outset, it is best to keep in mind that being in a relationship does not mean that you own the other person. Everyone has the right to look around and appreciate the beautiful things in life. However if you are just beginning to date this guy person and feel that his ‘appreciation’ goes a little further and extends to your friends too, it is best to re-examine your own priorities in a relationship. Are you comfortable with the huge popularity your partner enjoys with members of the opposite sex or would you rather he not flirt at all? You have a right to decide what means most to you just as the other person has a right to look where he pleases.

Build up your own self-confidence

For many, flirting is an expression of an outgoing and exuberant personality. To them it is just a part of their social behavior - a way of announcing themselves to the world and reveling in the general recognition as popular, attractive people. Chances are that perhaps these very qualities attracted you to your boyfriend as well. However as you get emotionally closer to him, maybe you no longer like the idea of your partner being so popular with members of the opposite sex, especially your own friends. In such a situation, it would be far more sensible to enhance your own personality so that you acquire self-assurance from within and do not feel insecure by your partner’s popularity. Take a course, learn a new skill, a language or pick up a hobby that will widen your horizons. Make an appointment with your stylist and get a facial or your hair done in an attractive way. All these will help you to build your own self-confidence and lessen any chances of feeling threatened by your partner’s flirtatious behavior.

How serious is it?

It may be that your boyfriend is willy-nilly drawn to attractive people around him and no matter how uncomfortable you feel, sees nothing wrong in that. However keep in mind that being attracted to others does not automatically mean that your partner is going to cheat on you. Your partner may be appreciative of another person’s looks, intelligence or a quality and stop at that. Attraction does not necessarily create a temptation to cheat and you could allow your security to grow on this fact.

Probe a little deeper

If your partner’s flirtatious behavior was not there to begin with and is a recent development, consider if there are any underlying causes to the change. Have you unknowingly hurt your loved one or made him feel taken for granted? Your boyfriend’s new flirtatious avatar may simply be a way of turning your attention back to him and putting the focus back on your relationship which your partner may feel that you have been ignoring. Or his compulsive flirtation may be a manifestation of some deeper uneasiness such as tensions at work or family problems. Men going through a mid-life crisis have been known to behave uncharacteristically with women far younger than them and this may include an unaccountable flirtatious behavior too. If you feel that your partner’s compulsive flirting stems from such underlying causes, make sure that he can always count on your understanding. Your boyfriend may not be ready to talk about what is bothering him right away but knowing that you are around and having the channels of communication open may help you both to discuss how to address deeper issues.

Be honest

However if your partner’s compulsive flirting truly bothers you and you feel that you cannot go on like this it may be time to take an active approach. However don’t have loud, attention-grabbing arguments in public since they will only end up with your boyfriend being drawn to your friend in order to be “comforted”. Instead choose an appropriate moment and place to discuss what you are feeling and why. Instead of launching into a tirade and accusing your partner of being an inconsiderate jerk, admit that his behavior hurts you and makes you feel belittled especially when he flirts with your own friends right before your eyes. Also asking your partner why he feels the need to look for appreciation from others will allow him some room to present his side of things. At this point it is essential not to dilute your perspective since your partner may try to convince you that his flirting is only “a bit of harmless fun and does not mean a thing”. If it has been bothering you to an extent when you recognize the need to verbalize it, then it is surely not fun and as far as you are concerned definitely not harmless.

Confront your friend(s) too

If you honestly think that your friend is providing the incitement for your boyfriend’s flirtatious behavior, it could be a good idea to confront her too. Tell her calmly but firmly that you do not like the way she is talking/acting around your boyfriend. Make sure she understands that her advances are not welcome now or ever. And if she responds by asking you to control your boyfriend, assure her in a steely voice that you have talked things through and would appreciate if she give you both some space. Even if she keeps trying your patience or making insinuating remarks, avoid slinging loud abuses which will only make you look stupid, not her.

Let your partner take a call

In the end it is up to your partner to decide what he would like to do about your concerns. If your boyfriend values this relationship as much as you do, then he will surely take some steps to modify his behavior. On the other hand if he merely balks at your concerns or continues to enjoy your friend’s attentions, then perhaps it is time for you to leave them together – knowing that the kind of people they are, they truly deserve each other.