When he Doesn't Want a Relationship


Different people date for different reasons. Some do it only to have a casual sex partner while some may be looking for companionship or even for a committed relationship. If you have been dating this guy for some time now and even having sex but can’t seem to get him to take you seriously, here are a few things worth considering.

Decide what you want

Before you launch a concerted attack on your boyfriend to get him to propose to you, take a long, hard look at yourself. Lay out your priorities in life and a relationship as honestly as possible. Do you genuinely believe this is the guy for you and that you will be happiest in a relationship with him? Or are you just scared of being alone and just want to be in a relationship, no matter with whom. Then again perhaps you think you are running out of time and wish to latch on to this guy in case you do not get to meet someone more compatible. It is only when you are absolutely clear on what you want in your life and the kind of person you want a relationship with, that your efforts to have a meaningful relationship will be effective or else you will keep chasing the wrong people for all the wrong reasons.

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Don’t send the wrong signals.

If you are convinced that this is indeed the man for you, the first thing to do to get him to take you seriously is to stop being a booty call. You can start with the more obvious changes like in your dress sense and appearance. Consider if in your dates, you have been sending out the signal, even if inadvertently, that you are primarily interested in a sexual relationship Avoid clothes that are too skimpy or tight and go easy on the makeup. This is not to imply that you should appear washed out but only to signal that you should dress in a way that discourages men from focusing only on the surface.

Avoid being easily available

Above all you need to make it clear that you are not available for casual sex and one of the most effective ways of doing so is by setting certain boundaries in your relationship. If your guy never calls but at two at night, stop taking such calls or let him know that you can talk during the day. You need to see that he is calling you only when his hormones are raging and he needs to satisfy his sexual itch. Alternately your "buddy" may be calling so late because everything has closed for the night and he does not have to take you on dates or at any social events. There is just one thing possible at such an unearthly hour and that is sex. Once you set clear boundaries regarding interaction and behavior, you will be making it clear that you are reevaluating the terms of your relationship and looking for a more meaningful attachment.

Find out if he is dating others

One reason why your guy may not want a relationship with you is because he wants to keep his options open. So if you are dating this man under the impression that what you have is a mutually exclusive thing, find out if he is on the same page as you. If he is indeed dating other women, discuss what your expectations are from your relationship. Among the words you don’t want to hear are things like, "We never talked about being in a monogamous relationship." If it is true, you cannot blame him for not moving ahead to a ‘relationship’. So if you want to be more than a booty call, always thrash out the essentials like, whether you are dating exclusively and if not, is it alright if either of you sleeps around or should things remain on a platonic level.

Does he have commitment phobia

Your boyfriend may adore you and be completely faithful but still be reluctant to make it official. The fear of committing oneself is a personality trait and can affect both men and women. The only thing for you to do here is to find out if at all a committed relationship figures in your boyfriend’s scheme of things. If yes, then perhaps you can ask him to be a little more exact on when he would be ready to settle down. If no, then at least you know what the problem is and can decide whether to move on

Be more independent

Perhaps your boyfriend fears that once you both are a couple and maybe move in together, his life will need to revolve you and the household. He may be worried of losing his friends and having little time to pursue his interests. The prospect of having to check with you every time before he decides to stay back for a beer with co-workers or invite his gang over to watch a game on the TV may seem unappealing to your partner. You can put his fears to rest by encouraging him to see his friends and follow his hobbies as he has done till now. Also allow him to have his own space – physical and emotional. This not only means letting his desk be untidy if that is the way he likes it but also holding back the temptation to cuddle up whenever you see him by himself.

Address your neediness

If you have been depending on your boyfriend to do every little thing for you, chances are that he is a bit overwhelmed by your neediness and fears that it will get worse when you are in an actual relationship.  Learn to be responsible for your own happiness – go out with your friends more often or have an enjoyable time on your own. Stop seeking his help in things which you can well manage by yourself. All this will make you come across as an independent and mature woman and assure your boyfriend that you are ready for the challenges and responsibilities that come with a committed relationship

Baggage from the past

If your boyfriend has been emotionally scarred by a bad divorce or breakup, he may not yet be ready for the commitments of a relationship as yet. In such cases, the only thing for you to do is to be supportive and give him enough time to get over his unhappy experience. Likewise, he may not be ready financially to fulfill the expectations from a steady boyfriend. Though not to the extent as marriage, even a relationship involves some costs such as celebrating birthdays and special occasions, giving gifts and even taking weekend vacation. Traditional gender roles have cast the man as the breadwinner and provider in a relationship. So if your boyfriend is in a new job, has to pay alimony/child support or still not earning what he feels would be sufficient to indulge a steady girlfriend, he may be hesitant to enter a committed relationship. If this is so, appreciate his concerns and explain that your joint incomes may be enough to go around.

You are not the right woman

Distressing as it may be, sometimes this may be the only reason your date is reluctant to have a relationship. Perhaps your guy is simply biding his time till he thinks he has met the right woman; if this is so, then you need to consider your own future more than worrying why he doesn’t want a relationship.